The PH Level

My vacations are dragging and because I have nothing better to do and am a total waste sometimes, I decided to come up with a new unit of measuring something.

What is the one thing that plagues modern life with all its weird propaganda and irrelevance today? Its the news of course. So now we are measuring newsworthiness.

But newsworthiness is a very complex thing you tell me. How can we define it? And more importantly, how do we measure it? So I decided like all units, we need a standard. The standard kilogram is the iridium bar they have at the International Beureau of Weights and Standards in France. The standard second is the time taken a cesium atom to complete a nasty and huge number of vibrations.

So who is the person who sets the standard for being on the news? I went into a reverie, and was lost in deep thought and .08 seconds later, I came up with the perfect candidate. It is so obvious. The one person whose every action makes it to the news. Innumerable debates start when this person so much as drops her handkerchief (more often her pants). I am of course refering to the incomparable Paris Hilton.

So Paris Hilton is the standard and the unit is now aptly titled "The PH Level".

Now, the comparing begins. Which brings us to Rohit's first law of newsworthiness:

"Every action of Paris Hilton automatically has a PH level of 10."

Now we have drawn the boundary. Because no one is more newsworhy than Paris Hilton, nothing and no one has a PH level of more than 10. Now the question is - how newsworthy is a random event? Which leads us to Rohit's second law:

"The more irrelevant and totally unimportant an event is, the higher the PH level of that event, keeping in mind Rohit's first law and its implications."

So for those of you still reading, it will come as no surprise that the events and people described in most gossip columns and The Bombay Times, will necessarily have a PH Level of at-least 7 (Though this is not a rule).

As a guideline, the following events are described along with their appropriate PH Level:

1) Sienna Miller thinks her neighbour's nephew's pet cat is gay.
PH Level: 8.6

2) Abhishek Bachchan weds Aishwarya Rai.
PH Level: 9.8

3) Militants hold hundreds hostage in Lal Masjid
PH Level: 1.2

4) Mandira Bedi's views on militants holding hundreds hostage in Lal Masjid.
PH Level: 8.3

You get the drift. So if you have nothing better to do (Stop kidding yourself. We are both blogging and you are reading The Dateless Diary. We are both losers. Just accept it) please submit your examples of news and your reckoning of their PH Level*. This will greatly aid my research and help me formulate my theories and further my research on the subject.

*Since Research is in its nascent stages, PH levels might vary slightly. Also, for the time being, PH Level only applies to celebrities and stuff that appears in print or any other form of media.